Everything is kind of starting to make sense in my life, I am a totally different person than what I was a year ago.

I think finding out I had a tumour was definitely the worst thing that has ever happened to me, like I never understood it because I’ve always been really religious and stuff and I didn’t understand why bad things were happening to me when all I tried to do in life was good, I didn’t go out and get drunk every weekend, I never smoked or did drugs, I socialised and hung out with friends but nothing wild or crazy, I think the craziest we got was Sophie’s tea party…

Now though, now I’m getting better, everything is fitting into place. This year was a new start for me, like you hear people say “new year new me” but for me it really was true, not because I was trying to change things, but I kind of felt something. Losing 3 stone last year was the best thing i ever did with my life… I feel like half the person I was even though I’m not. Starting college has made me feel really independent, I do so much stuff alone now and I’m so proud of myself for changing my life around.

If someone had said to me this time last year “this time next year you will be 3 stone lighter and have an amazing boyfriend” I would have thought they were being horrible, knowing it would never happen. But now I’m here? I don’t understand. I think going through the whole illness thing made me a stronger person, like as I’m writing this I’m balling my eyes out because I hate talking about this but I feel like I can do anything now.

I never understood why such a bad thing was happening to me during my exams, I mean my life has been pretty shit, I’m glad I stopped all the self harm stuff because that really fucked with my head even more. However it’s like the other side of the deal has come around, it was such an extremely bad thing that happened to me that now this amazing thing has come into my life I don’t know what to do with it almost. I know me and Matthew have been dating 2 weeks and people will laugh when they read this and say “lol she’s just another teenager in love” and I am but there’s also so much more. We’ve been talking now like proper talking since Christmas eve and the day he asked me out was the best day of my life. I think spending Saturday with him and me meeting my mum made me realise how much I actually really love him. It’s boosted my self confidence a lot. Having someone tell you you’re beautiful and stuff and just having someone their who understands… 

I always felt like I’d need to change more to get a boyfriend, because I’m not skinny and I honestly thought no one would want me like this, but when he tells me I don’t need to change it’s like, the most amazing thing in the world. This must sound strange too because it’s so silly and little but like I’m so self concious about my weight and i always feel really bleugh but on Saturday he lifted me up and I was like, wtf, I’m too heavy for that shit! And when he was like you’re not even heavy (which is a lie) it was like, wow oh my gosh, the best thing in the world haha. 

This is just a lot of things I needed to get off my chest so they’re here on my blog. I’d like not to be judged about this or hear negative comments from it because at the end of the day, this is what is going on in my head, not yours.

If you read all this… I love you.